This farming life......

So today I start my journey back up to Scotland to work again for the lovely family I had the pleasure of working alongside with their lambing season last year.

After visiting and spending time in Scotland on two separate occasions in 2015, the first, as mentioned, was for 5 weeks lambing and the second as part of the driving  team for my local Young Farmers Club (YFC) county attempt in the three peaks challenge, I always get excited when I know that I am going to be heading back up there. It's a gorgeous country with people and landscapes that are truely inspiring.

Unfortunately this time I will only be helping with lambing for two weeks due to other work commitments, however I'm sure it is going to be an amazing two weeks of craziness in the lambing sheds. Being back working in the fresh air and the open spaces always puts a smile on my face. I truely love having the opportunities of working in different environments within the farming industry.

Over the past four weeks BBC2 have been broadcasting a documentary on five different farming families working and living in a selection of locations in Scotland. It has been a fantastic documentary to watch, showing the realistic insight in to the everyday enjoyment as well as struggles of running a farming business. More importantly however, it has visually shown the variety and amount of work that is involved in rearing livestock and producing food so that we can all eat.

The five farming families were all different and unique in their own individual ways. Martin and Mel (top left) were the youngest farming couple out of the group, but like the others, they showed a strong willingness and enthusiasm to the industry. John Scott and Fiona (top right) showed how farmers can increase their livestock numbers and expand on the amount of land they farm, yet still work with high welfare standards to make sure all animals are raised to the best that they possibly can be. Sandy and Ali (bottom right) showed me a farming tradition I haven't known much about before, crofting, however they also showed the niche markets some farmers enter into to help diversify in the industry.

Bobby and his wife Anne (middle bottom) were probably the couple whose farming style I could relate to the most. I loved how they tried to engage with the general public and make them aware and promote the industry that they work within in a fun way. It was very emotional to watch Bobby say farewell to his father, who sadly passed away during the filming of the show. He had worked alongside Bobby and taught him the majority of his farming knowledge, and it was lovely to see Bobby and Anne now passing on that knowledge to their daughter and the next generation.

The final couple, Sybil and George (bottom left)......well what can I say? I loved this team. Sybil reminded me of a few extremely passionate women I already know working in the agricultural industry. She was a true character and together her and George showed the joys of working together as a team in this tough industry. Her love for her livestock, all with their own unique names, was brilliantly entertaining to watch.

If you haven't had a chance to watch the series yet, I highly recommend you try and view it.

Even though it hasn't been three full weeks since I returned from my last lambing experience of 2016, I have found it difficult to be away from the enjoyment I experience while working in the agricultural surroundings. Over the last few months, and on the occasions when I have been feeling down and in my depressive state, I have noticed myself thinking back and reminding myself of the mess I was in and the actual moment I realised there was something seriously wrong. I remember it was a Saturday afternoon and both mum and I were at home. I was standing in the kitchen staring over the kitchen sink, just standing there, feet firmly stuck to the floor, in floods of tears, unable to move, body completely frozen and my head in chaos over different things. I remember mum telling me that I had to stop it otherwise I was going to make myself ill, not being aware that I already was. I screamed back at her in response 'I can't cope anymore, I need to leave, I need to get away from here!' Tears fiercely running down my face.......and that's when it struck me that this wasn't right, this wasn't my normal behaviour and something was wrong. Little did I know that I was having a breakdown.

I feel as though I need to sometimes think back to this day to make me realise how much I have achieved, and what I need to keep doing to continue on the path to a better mental health. Mental health is a subject that many individuals like to avoid. It makes people feel awkward, you can see it in their body language when they hear the words mentioned in a conversation and you can spot the people who don't believe such a subject exists. In some ways I'm happy for those people who don't believe, as it is not something I would wish anyone to experience. Many people have asked me since I started writing this blog 'why do you write it down for everyone to see? Why don't you just talk to someone who is wiling to listen?' I have even been questioned if 'it is really as bad as you say it is'? 

For me my blog is a modern day journal. I write down everything I am feeling, whether it's been happy, sad or maybe informative. I do it to get it off my mind and to try and make me feel better. To relieve the craziness in my head. I don't do it for others, I do it for myself. I don't expect everyone to read it, in fact I have no idea who reads it, if anyone, unless I receive a private message from someone who actually has. However, I like to think that those who do read it get a better understanding of what it is like for someone experiencing a mental health problem. More importantly than that, I like to think that if someone else is experiencing problems, that they are aware they are not alone, and that it is ok to talk because not talking was the main reason I got in to that mess in the first place.

I have recently heard of depression being described as a 'devious little shit'...it makes me laugh just typing it. But it is true. It plays with your mind to the point you loose all control. But I have come to learn that you have to try and play mind games back.

As much as people may find my enthusiasm for the farming industry annoying, or boring to hear, or that I'm living in a fantasy world, or that people are bored of reading the same old farming blog post. Those who don't know my background, or my story as to why I need to be like this, why I need to spend time working in this industry, I will try and explain in as simple a way as possible.

Farming is my therapy. Farming is the one thing i can physically do and experience knowing that I am winning the war with my depression. Farming is me playing mind games with depression, and showing it that it can't beat me. It is the release from the chaos inside my head. When I'm farming I am happy, and happiness helps relieve my depression.

So yes I am heading back to Scotland for more lambing, more farming, but most importantly for me, for more therapy. And yes I am very excited about my return trip.

This farming lifestyle equals personal therapy and personal progression on my journey of overcoming my mental health problem, and I am loving the journey it has taken me on so far.

H x