Laughter, music and moo moo's.....

One chapter has come to an end, and a new one is about to begin.

They say that there are certain places that leave a mark on you, and New Zealand has definately left a mark on me.

Looking back over the last six months, and remembering the person I was when I arrived in New Zealand, I am amazed at how spending a short amount of time in a place unknown to me, has improved my way of thinking and dealing with situations in my life. I was an absolute mess when I arrived, full of anger, pain, stress and heartbreak, and I just didn't know how to deal with those feelings, all I knew is that I needed to get away from my current surroundings to take time out and try to understand who I was as a person and what I wanted in life. It's slightly stupid to think it, but I felt like someone who had lost everything and coming to New Zealand would be my fresh start.

My time working here has gone through many highs and lows. I have learnt so much and met some amazing people who were more than happy to pass on their knowledge of the farming industries to myself, a woman, a scenario that I had struggled with back home simply because I was a female. Working in a team environment where women are respected and able to do the same work as the men has been great. The Kiwi attitude to get jobs done by whoever is able to do it is truely amazing to work within. I haven't just learnt about the different farming industries however, these amazing individuals have taught me a lot of life lessons as well. Lessons which I will remember for a long time. It seemed easy to talk to people out here about my troubles. They were people who didn't know anything about my life back home, yet were eager to listen about the things I had done and achieved with my life, the battles I had faced, and the dreams and ambitions I had for the future. New Zealand in general has definately taught me to go after what you strongly believe is possible and don't let others put you down.

The bracelet I received on my arrival to New Zealand has been worn on every occasion possible. It is a piece of jewellery I shall treasure for life because it will remind me of my time spent in New Zealand. More importantly I will remember its strong message and relevance to what I have done with my time here and what I can do with my time in the future. The Kiwi ingenuity and can-do attitude will also be remembered whilst wearing the bracelet.

As mentioned I have experienced many highs and unfortunately lows with my time here. I won't deny the fact that I did slip back into the depression part of my life. Not everything was amazing and on times I questioned if I was strong enough to cope with the choices I had made.

When calving had finished, and my last group of calves were moved to their new homes, I personally went through a very low state. I had spent the previous three months working alongside these amazing animals. I had collected, fed, cared for, raised and generally looked after these young animals to the best of my ability to make sure they had a healthy, strong start in life to become good milk producers of the future. In return of me looking after them, they kind of looked after me. They made me laugh, they made me happy to wake up in the morning to work with them, and their individual characters gave me memories to cherish. But in the space of a day all that had gone. The smiles, the laughter at their crazy individual traits, the challenges of getting stubborn ones to feed had all gone and it made me feel empty inside.

Thankfully my colleagues were there to help me move on to my next lot of challenges, and to help me find enjoyment in other areas of the farms daily chores, and after roughly two weeks of basically feeling down, my attitude for life was back on track and I was ready to accept the challenges.

Looking back over the six months I have been here, and remembering all the different jobs I have learnt and done, I am truely amazed at how much I have achieved. I came to New Zealand with the most basic of knowledge and basically no experience of working in the industry. I am now leaving knowing how to run a parlour and milk the cows all by myself. I have learnt about pasture and grazing management, livestock management and business management. I calved my first cow and I mowed my first paddock, all in the space of six wonderful months. I'm not saying I'm a professional and know everything, I'm just extremely grateful to have been allowed to have learnt so much in a short space of time. 

As the title of this blog post states, laughter and music have played a huge role in my recovery. I have been able to laugh everyday and it has shown me that laughter really is the best medicine. Music has also played a big role. It has made me realise that if I am feeling down or stressed that if I blast a couple of good songs, I feel a whole lot better and face my troubles with a new attitude.

There has been one thing that has suprised me since I started these blog posts about my journey and dealings with my depression. I have received a lot of personal messages from others along my journey, who have suffered similar situations and feelings in their lives, but haven't necessarily been able to talk about it like myself. It has made me aware that I am not the only person who deals with these types of thoughts and feelings. Living in New Zealand has shown that there are a lot of people in the farming industry, similar to home and other areas of the world, that suffer with symptoms of depression, yet are unable to talk about it with others. I have heard some awful stories since being here and have learnt that you shouldn't be scared to talk about your feelings, there is always someone who is there to listen.

One of the most important things I have learnt since being here is that you have to make time for yourself. I had travelled to Canada in 2013 and it was the first time I had been on a proper holiday, whereby no work was involved, for over ten years. That was ten years of working, looking after and putting others first and working towards my future without having any me time or down time. It's no wonder I had been feeling like I had. Therefore I have learnt that you must take time out from whatever it is you are doing, no matter how busy you are, to just make time for yourself and chill. The Kiwi farming industry is tough, however they always make time to take themselves away from the business and farm so that they can enjoy other life pleasures. They work hard for what they have, but enjoy life also.

The most important thing I have learnt however is that I can do the things I want to do in life. As I have mentioned back at the start of my journey, many individuals have made me feel worthless about working in this industry just because I am a woman. They have put me down and told me on several occasions that I'm not good enough. The best feeling ever is the feeling that I have proved them all wrong. I can work in this industry and I am capable of doing the work, I just need to be given the opportunity to prove it.

So to the people who said I couldn't do jobs just because I was a woman; to the person who said I wasn't good enough just because I couldn't calve a cow; to all the individuals who never gave me a chance to try, and just assumed I couldn't do things and constantly said no. They set me a challenge.

I came. I did. I achieved.

I proved them all wrong, but most importantly I proved to myself I could do it. I had the confidence to give it a go, the strength to tackle my fears and the determination to chase my dreams and prove people wrong. In a strange way I thank the people for putting me down as they have all made me feel stronger as a person.

Whilst being in New Zealand I have met and made some amazing people I can now call friends. I was asked by one of these individuals that 'if I had to give someone, or a group of people some advice, what would it be?' It took me some time to think of an answer and I reflected back on the things I have learnt whilst being here. My answer to this question is

'Life unfolds in the present, so dare to dream, try new activities, explore new countries, always ask questions, make mistakes and learn from them, laugh everyday and remember if it doesn't make you happy, change it. Don't get caught up doing the same thing day in day out. You were born a unique individual for a reason. Go and create an amazing story.'

Get out there and give it a go, you'll be suprised at what you can do and what you can achieve. I did.

So today was my last day of working in New Zealand. This past week has been filled with mixed emotions. I'm sad to be leaving as I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here in New Zealand and I can't believe how quick the time has gone, however I am excited to be taking on my new adventure of travelling this amazing country.

I'm not saying New Zealand has cured me of my depression, I'm sure there will be situations in the future whereby the depressive feelings and thoughts may occur, New Zealand has just made me realise how to cope and handle these awful feelings in a positive way. 

I am extremely grateful for the opportunity William, Janice and Jono have given me of working within their team. They have all taught me so much and it has been an absolute pleasure to work alongside them all. They have helped me smile again, laugh again and overall given me the confidence back that I had lost many years ago. They have been a fantastic group of people to work for. They have helped me realise the things that are important to me in life, and the next lot of dreams I want to chase. I have a stronger understanding of the person I am, and the things I want out of life. I can never thank them enough for what they have done for me.

So it's time for my next adventure and I can't wait.

Kia Ora.

H x