Ten years...

 A date I'll never forget.

A moment forever tattooed in my mind.

A journey of many highs and lows.

March 26th 2014.

My body felt as though it was paralysed. My feet frozen to the kitchen floor. Floods of tears running down my face. So much anger and hate for the world. My mental ill-health bucket had cracked and was overflowing with my internal emotions. Overflowing to the point I couldn't stop crying for three days. I remember a mass of rage building up inside me to the point I screamed at the kitchen sink "I need to get out of here!" I wanted someone to come and save me. Tell me it was all a bad dream. Wrap me in a massive blanket and just hold me. I didn't want to eat. I couldn't sleep. And I definitely didn't want to see or speak to anyone. 

A week later I made a promise to myself. A promise to finally leave. A promise to care and look after myself. A promise to make sure I never experienced anything like that ever again and a promise I still try my best to maintain today. I wanted to run away. Run away to somewhere no one knew me.

It scares me to think ten years have since past. But they are ten magical years of treasured memories, lifelong lessons, heartfelt stories and challenges. Ten years I am thankful for. And in a funny, but also proud way, ten years which inspire me when looking back at what I have achieved. 

Reflecting on the past decade I have learnt a lot about my strengths, weaknesses, passions, insecurities and overall self awareness. I have spent a lot of time concentrating on my personal development and have gained a greater understanding of who I am, what I value and believe in along with what I know is not right for me.

The leap of faith I took ten years ago to quit my job, buy a ticket and fly to the other side of the world to work in an industry I had very little knowledge about is still by far my greatest achievement to date. It is the one thing I am still most proud of doing. I have gained so many new friends both male and female, young and old, who have encouraged me to keep going and chase my life's dreams and ambitions. Who also questions what is next for me on my bucket list. I have also encountered many people who still don't understand why I took the decision that I did and who inquire if it was the right choice for me. To them, I listen to their views and observe their ways of life before deciding if what they are saying is true. They are not me and I am not them therefore, their views get taken on board and I decide thereafter if what they said is best for me.

In writing this blog post, which has been stored in my mind for a couple of years, I've tried to spend time just thinking and listening to the thoughts in my head whilst recalling the memories that have gone through my mind over the last decade. Questioning what have been the greatest lessons I have learnt within that time period. I have been extremely hesitant as to whether or not I should share the details of this part of my story until now. Nevertheless, over the past few years I have been approached by several young people, predominantly girls, who wish to embark on a similar agricultural journey like mine. Other people say it's because I am inspiring them to chase their own dreams however, I hope it is because my optimism and enthusiasm for this industry is a feeling we share and I want to be able to pass that on to anyone who wants to take on the batten and lead this industry forward. I want to help them learn new things and find a love for this industry like I have through the countries they travel and people they meet.

I was 26 years old when I experienced my breakdown. I had encountered a lot of grief in a short period of time but have since gathered a mass of gratitude to help me overcome the obstacles I had faced. My biggest trigger and my number one enemy is the same today as it was all those years ago however, I have found ways to manage it through setting up limitations as well as learning how to overcome the feelings I develop when facing them.

Social media. A tool we have all pretty much used in some way or another to connect with lost friends, stay in touch with family, or used to market our products, services or treasured memories. In greater detail I mean the social media tools we carry around in our pockets, on small electronic devices we hold day in day out which are always close at hand when we need to check certain things through different apps, or the instrument we turn to when we have half an hour to spare. It's my biggest trigger and I hate how it makes me feel when I am experiencing bad days, weeks or even months on end. 

A famous quote by Theodore Roosevelt states that 'comparison is the thief of joy' and those words are so true when it has come to my own personal use with social media platforms. I would sit for hours on end scrolling through different sites, absorbing a lot of pointless information and comparing myself to other peoples amazing stories on screen. Questioning why their life looked so much better than mine. It has been one of my toughest battles to face since its introduction into my life and I can't deny I still have days when I get lost in a rabbit hole of aimless scrolling. But, from taking long periods of time away from my screen, (12 weeks at tops in 2021), on a number of occasions when I felt it was at it's worst, I have gained a greater awareness of my relationship with social media. 

I have found a love for ditching the likes and comments online and have replaced them with meeting friends face to face again and having memorable conversations or experience days out whilst my phone has remained in my bag for hours on end instead of in my hand or jeans back pocket awaiting the next buzz of a notification. I've even completely forgotten to take it with me on some occasions. My seven month work placement in New Zealand in 2014 began my journey of letting go of the phone and instead enjoying the environment surrounding me. A memory that has always stuck in my mind was when I returned to the UK and attended a local Young Farmers dinner dance where I was sat on a table with ten other people all glued to their phones taking multiple selfies or video messaging friends. Some of the people on that table I hadn't seen since I left seven months earlier and I was excited to have conversations with them. But instead I remember observing and asking myself, is this what a sociable life now looks like? I didn't like it and I didn't like seeing what a small electronic device was doing to our society.

Silence. Silence is my greatest realisation and is always a difficult one to explain to others who just don't understand it. We're living in a fast paced noisy world where we are trying to cram so much stuff into so little time that the world just seems like a chaotic rollercoaster ride. There have been several times where I have felt like I just wanted to step off it for a week or two to try and recover my energy levels and catch my breath. Drained with exhaustion from all the noise around me and information overload. This overwhelm makes me feel as though my brain can't breathe. I once heard someone say that they wished they had an off switch for their ears. That they could just turn the noise of the world off at the end of the day when their brain was full. Another statement which has resonated with me. Don't get me wrong I am grateful for hearing the birdsong first thing in the morning doing my rounds on the farm or the laughter of my friends' children when they play, it's just my brain gets full and I just wish I could switch off the noise when it all gets too much.

There is something about sitting in complete silence that relaxes me. Just sitting with the mass of thoughts running through my mind that allows me to recover in some way. I have had to spend a lot of time listening to my brain's narrative, some of which felt really uncomfortable. However, I have done it in order to find the answers I need to move forward and make the decisions I have made, both good and bad. This period of silence can be anything from one hour in length or even as long as a few days where my phone, tv or music gets switched off and is replaced with a journal and pen to carry out what I call a brain dump on paper. Getting the noise and chaos that is inside my head out. Some days I don't even journal, I just sit, usually next to a window or in natural light, and watch the world go by. It's a simple reward which is positively healing.

Alongside silence is sleep. Sleep has allowed not just my mind but also my whole body to rest. Mental exhaustion from what feels like carrying anxiety and stress on my shoulders has been tiresome but, from listening to my body I have recognised the signs of when I have too much tension built up inside me. My shoulders always feel tight and high and feel like they are touching the bottom of my ears and to say I get a little bit snappy in my temperament is an understatement. However, I have learnt that with roughly 10 minutes of yoga stretches and a good nine hours sleep inside me, I can wake up a new woman. Just like my mind can rest with silence, my body rests with sleep. Who doesn't love a good nap  right?

A hobby I have picked back up is my photography. Taking advantage of any free time I have and picking up my camera again has been rewarding and allowed me to capture memories I can look back on in years to come. 

Over this ten year period I have also started reading and have learnt to appreciate a quiet half hour turning pages in my latest book of choice. I have always been a creative person and I have realised after taking a step away completely in 2014 from my fashion career of 13 years, that I actually need to have something creative back in my life to balance things out, as a hobby this time around and not an intense and draining career route.

And finally, of course, spending time outdoors will always be of great importance to me. Being in the fresh air helps me get off my phone and instead into the breath-taking environments which mother nature provides. Even though agriculture can be an isolating industry to work within at times, as rural workers we have to appreciate the beauty of the backdrop we've been given. Our landscape has healing characteristics from the views we see and the people we bump into and meet daily.

Over the last ten years I have been fortunate to have travelled to many countries overseas as well as locations within the UK. I have grabbed many opportunities that have come my way to learn new things and experience new surroundings. However, at the start of 2024, after an extremely hectic 2023, I made the decision that this year I would slow down. I still have a bucket list of destinations I wish to visit and I will always be curious to see and learn new things. I will forever remain inquisitive and loyal to this farming industry, I'm just realising I need to be more cautious about what my body, both physically and mentally, can achieve.

There are new chapters happening within my personal life that are now needing to take priority. This blog isn't going anywhere and it will continue to be a place to document my journey and any new paths I take, as well as sharing the incredible stories of the talented people I meet within this industry. This post is a celebration of what the past ten years have created and I'm excited about where the rest of my journey will lead. There are a lot of things I still need to learn and alter within  my life like drinking more water and eating less cake (who am I kidding, the latter will NEVER happen!) But, there is a statement I wrote back in 2015 that is still true to this day, and most probably I will continue to use for as long as I live.

"Life unfolds in the present, so dare to dream, try new activities, explore new countries, always ask questions, make mistakes and learn from them. Laugh everyday and remember if it doesn’t make you happy, change it. Don’t get caught up doing the same thing day in day out. Cheer on others who are chasing their dreams. Clap for them instead of trying to outshine them because the sky would be awfully dark with just one star. You were born a unique individual for a reason. Go and create an amazing story!"

Ten Years. Thank you to each and every person who has made this past decade possible.

March 26th 2014. I'm grateful.

Until next time

Hx