why start now?....
The past six months, to say the least, have not been the easiest. Words such as exhausted, autopilot and extremely stressful don't come close to describing how they have been for not just myself, but also close family and friends. However, there appeared to be a light at the end of the tunnel. It was only a very faint light, but it was there and with our fingers crossed we hoped it would get bigger and brighter the closer we got to happier times.
We were aware that the weeks and months that were to lie ahead of us would bring with them new challenges and experiences of a kind we'd never had to encounter before. I was a little nervous, but completely determined to do the best I could in order to provide the personal care and commitment required for the task. I was aware there was a need to sacrifice other areas of my life in the meantime which I was more than happy to do.
However, in just ten days there was no longer a need for the nerves. No longer a need for the courage to tackle new challenges and experiences. No need to panic when something wasn't quite working how we'd been taught. No longer a need to fill a room with positivity and laughter when the atmosphere appeared a little low. The new life skills which we had been trained with only a number of weeks before were no longer required. There was just emptiness and silence.
My grandmother was my idol. My farming hero. A woman I have loved and greatly admired all my life. An independent woman with a heart so full of love and care and a smile that was so contagious that you couldn't avoid being in her company. She was a second mother to me growing up on the family farm, and has taught me a huge amount of life skills that I will never forget. She was never one for any confrontation and always provided wise words when you didn't realise you needed them. A lady who in the past eight years of the life has had to encounter a large number of challenges and health issues, but with a smile on her face and that wicked twinkle in her eye she kept positively moving forward. A true inspiration to me, and a lady I am going to miss greatly. A huge hole has been left in my heart.
I've always questioned over the past number of years, if it's my grandmother that I get my strength and determination from. She was an only child, who was born into a farming family and therefore was required to take over the family farming business when her time came to do so. An extremely strong woman, with a clear idea for what she wanted and enjoyed doing in life. The simple things pleased her and memories and stories about family and friends were all she needed. She had a strong knowledge of the family farm and its surrounding rural community and enjoyed socialising within it.
A number of people told us that caring for gran would be hard, and even that my life would be over. But if there is one thing I knew most from the last six months of gran being in hospital, was that the one place she wanted to be the most, was at her home. The place she had been born, raised, spent all her life at, and in her last few days, where she wished for it to end. She was where she wanted to be. She was where she was at her happiest, and I sure as hell wasn't going to stop her getting what she wanted.
In the last few weeks of grans life, she left me with some strong statements which are still, and will for a while yet, keep rolling over in my mind. Statements of advice, wise words, and life long values. In a funny way my grandmother has given me a new spark of determination to keep going with my farming dream. A spark I felt I had lost half way through 2018. I'd been extremely frustrated, angry, annoyed, fed up and almost felt like my life had settled before I was ready for it to do so. It made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. My grandmother literally was my farming hero, and to have heard so many amazing stories these past two weeks about her youth working on the family farm, and her get on and just do it attitude and determination, really has made me think about where my life is heading next.
I'm a woman who's had to fight for an awful lot of things in my life up until now just to prove people wrong, and I don't feel I have much to show for it. I'm tired. And I'm tired of having to continue to fight. With gran now gone I have gained so much extra time in not just my days, but weeks also, that I'm not quite sure where to start. But I know something new is needed and I've questioned myself as to why I should start now?
I've been fortunate enough in the last few months with work to be able to listen to some truely inspiring speakers who had made me realise when I had been feeling a little low, that I may be in need of a good old 'kick up the backside' to go and broaden my farming knowledge further through potentially new and exciting challenges or by experiencing new locations.
Heather Wildman was probably the most inspirational speaker out of them all and hearing her story of living and working in the rural communities really made me want to change my thought process moving forward with my future in a more positive and motivating way. Emma Bullhook, the founder of the DPJ Foundation provided us with mental health first aid training which I was personally very grateful for learning about, not just for my job role but also for myself personally. It made me realise that I was seriously in a rut and that I am someone who does no self care at all. Therefore for someone who has gained so much free time now, this has become a high priority on my list. I just need to find out what it is I want to do.
I have also recently finished reading Doug Avery, The Resilient Farmer's book. His story of struggling with mental ill health whilst running a farming business really hit home for me and if I ever get the chance to meet him, I'd be a very thankful woman. Over the last number of years I have come to find reading other people's stories really helps me to explain and understand that I am not the only person who gets moments of feeling low and thinking that the negativity will never end. I've come a long way with understanding and living with my own mental health in the past number of years, and I'm forever grateful when I come across another individual who has overcome or is working through and trying to overcome their own battles with mental ill health.
When gran was discharged from hospital, I bought 'Strong Girls Club' t-shirts for both mum and I as a joke for being grans in house carers. Gran loved them and with that twinkle in her eye gave a little chuckle and a thumbs up of approval. Unfortunately we never got the chance to wear them in the 10days gran was home. Since her passing and since her funeral, the days I have chosen to wear my t-shirt, I haven't wanted to take it off. The Strong Girls Club slogan has come to mean so much more now than just being linked with being grans career. Gran was a strong woman for being the fourth generation to run her family farm, and now it's my turn to step up and to be the strong woman who aims to continue working in the UK agricultural sector with my head held high. It's a reminder that I can achieve what I want if I just work hard and have a clear mindset. Gran was one of my main supporters and motivators in recent years and I'll never ever forget that. It's time for me to be the farmher she knew I could be. With a smile on my face I aim to achieve.
I walked around the whole farm on the morning of grans funeral with the two dogs Duke and Glen. The birdsong was amazing to hear and the sun was shining so brightly that you couldn't help but smile. The past six months of grans ill health taught me to be grateful for the small things in life. The days filled with laughter and the hours spent in silence at her hospital bed. The hard earned hours working on her physio to try and get her to stand again and the 3.30am renditions of gran singing Tom Jones' Delilah. All will be memories I will cherish forever. The big things really don't matter, it's the small things we all need to be grateful for.
My Strong Girls Club has lost an extremely valuable member this past month, but her memory and traditions will live on in the remaining group members hearts and minds and I personally am going to make damn sure of it!
H xx
We were aware that the weeks and months that were to lie ahead of us would bring with them new challenges and experiences of a kind we'd never had to encounter before. I was a little nervous, but completely determined to do the best I could in order to provide the personal care and commitment required for the task. I was aware there was a need to sacrifice other areas of my life in the meantime which I was more than happy to do.
However, in just ten days there was no longer a need for the nerves. No longer a need for the courage to tackle new challenges and experiences. No need to panic when something wasn't quite working how we'd been taught. No longer a need to fill a room with positivity and laughter when the atmosphere appeared a little low. The new life skills which we had been trained with only a number of weeks before were no longer required. There was just emptiness and silence.
My grandmother was my idol. My farming hero. A woman I have loved and greatly admired all my life. An independent woman with a heart so full of love and care and a smile that was so contagious that you couldn't avoid being in her company. She was a second mother to me growing up on the family farm, and has taught me a huge amount of life skills that I will never forget. She was never one for any confrontation and always provided wise words when you didn't realise you needed them. A lady who in the past eight years of the life has had to encounter a large number of challenges and health issues, but with a smile on her face and that wicked twinkle in her eye she kept positively moving forward. A true inspiration to me, and a lady I am going to miss greatly. A huge hole has been left in my heart.
I've always questioned over the past number of years, if it's my grandmother that I get my strength and determination from. She was an only child, who was born into a farming family and therefore was required to take over the family farming business when her time came to do so. An extremely strong woman, with a clear idea for what she wanted and enjoyed doing in life. The simple things pleased her and memories and stories about family and friends were all she needed. She had a strong knowledge of the family farm and its surrounding rural community and enjoyed socialising within it.
A number of people told us that caring for gran would be hard, and even that my life would be over. But if there is one thing I knew most from the last six months of gran being in hospital, was that the one place she wanted to be the most, was at her home. The place she had been born, raised, spent all her life at, and in her last few days, where she wished for it to end. She was where she wanted to be. She was where she was at her happiest, and I sure as hell wasn't going to stop her getting what she wanted.
In the last few weeks of grans life, she left me with some strong statements which are still, and will for a while yet, keep rolling over in my mind. Statements of advice, wise words, and life long values. In a funny way my grandmother has given me a new spark of determination to keep going with my farming dream. A spark I felt I had lost half way through 2018. I'd been extremely frustrated, angry, annoyed, fed up and almost felt like my life had settled before I was ready for it to do so. It made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. My grandmother literally was my farming hero, and to have heard so many amazing stories these past two weeks about her youth working on the family farm, and her get on and just do it attitude and determination, really has made me think about where my life is heading next.
I'm a woman who's had to fight for an awful lot of things in my life up until now just to prove people wrong, and I don't feel I have much to show for it. I'm tired. And I'm tired of having to continue to fight. With gran now gone I have gained so much extra time in not just my days, but weeks also, that I'm not quite sure where to start. But I know something new is needed and I've questioned myself as to why I should start now?
I've been fortunate enough in the last few months with work to be able to listen to some truely inspiring speakers who had made me realise when I had been feeling a little low, that I may be in need of a good old 'kick up the backside' to go and broaden my farming knowledge further through potentially new and exciting challenges or by experiencing new locations.
Heather Wildman was probably the most inspirational speaker out of them all and hearing her story of living and working in the rural communities really made me want to change my thought process moving forward with my future in a more positive and motivating way. Emma Bullhook, the founder of the DPJ Foundation provided us with mental health first aid training which I was personally very grateful for learning about, not just for my job role but also for myself personally. It made me realise that I was seriously in a rut and that I am someone who does no self care at all. Therefore for someone who has gained so much free time now, this has become a high priority on my list. I just need to find out what it is I want to do.
I have also recently finished reading Doug Avery, The Resilient Farmer's book. His story of struggling with mental ill health whilst running a farming business really hit home for me and if I ever get the chance to meet him, I'd be a very thankful woman. Over the last number of years I have come to find reading other people's stories really helps me to explain and understand that I am not the only person who gets moments of feeling low and thinking that the negativity will never end. I've come a long way with understanding and living with my own mental health in the past number of years, and I'm forever grateful when I come across another individual who has overcome or is working through and trying to overcome their own battles with mental ill health.
When gran was discharged from hospital, I bought 'Strong Girls Club' t-shirts for both mum and I as a joke for being grans in house carers. Gran loved them and with that twinkle in her eye gave a little chuckle and a thumbs up of approval. Unfortunately we never got the chance to wear them in the 10days gran was home. Since her passing and since her funeral, the days I have chosen to wear my t-shirt, I haven't wanted to take it off. The Strong Girls Club slogan has come to mean so much more now than just being linked with being grans career. Gran was a strong woman for being the fourth generation to run her family farm, and now it's my turn to step up and to be the strong woman who aims to continue working in the UK agricultural sector with my head held high. It's a reminder that I can achieve what I want if I just work hard and have a clear mindset. Gran was one of my main supporters and motivators in recent years and I'll never ever forget that. It's time for me to be the farmher she knew I could be. With a smile on my face I aim to achieve.
I walked around the whole farm on the morning of grans funeral with the two dogs Duke and Glen. The birdsong was amazing to hear and the sun was shining so brightly that you couldn't help but smile. The past six months of grans ill health taught me to be grateful for the small things in life. The days filled with laughter and the hours spent in silence at her hospital bed. The hard earned hours working on her physio to try and get her to stand again and the 3.30am renditions of gran singing Tom Jones' Delilah. All will be memories I will cherish forever. The big things really don't matter, it's the small things we all need to be grateful for.
My Strong Girls Club has lost an extremely valuable member this past month, but her memory and traditions will live on in the remaining group members hearts and minds and I personally am going to make damn sure of it!
H xx
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