A helping hand....

This post has been a difficult one to sit down and write and has taken me a number of weeks to actually pick up the courage to do so by putting the words down to describe how I'm feeling. All I can say is I'm struggling and feel as though a blow out is on the way! I'm exhausted, I'm drained, mentally, physically and in all other ways I possibly could be. I can only describe it as standing in a hurricane that I just can't distance myself from. I just have no focus and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep!

The past number of weeks have probably been the most stressful and emotional I have experienced in a long time. Feelings of anger and upset have raced through my mental health like a tornado and left feelings of what can only be described as emptiness and disappointment. In brief, I was supposed to have gone on a fortnight holiday to Canada for a friends wedding and to wave my brother off on his new adventure working in the Canadian agricultural sector. However due to a serious communication mistake from a recruitment company, the holiday was delayed by a week and in the end it ended up with me being unable to travel. Thankfully, my brother eventually reached his destination, and daily videos, messages and pictures are proving he is thoroughly enjoying his time out there so far.

The past three to four months however have become a very big reality check for me, and one which I am still trying to get my head around. Why? Primarily because I no longer have my brother alongside me as my support mechanism when it comes to working on the family farm. He was always the 'banter' that was needed when others were constantly being stressed about jobs or clueless about what urgently needed to be done and he would always give me a gentle reminder if I had forgotten to do something. We worked as a team who surprisingly enjoyed working together through laughter and music and just plain, laid back, get the job done attitudes.

As previously mentioned in my blog post 'If you truly believe', I explained how I have achieved a lot more than I believed I ever could over the past four years of working and learning within the UK agricultural sector. I'm proud of the places I have been and the practical experiences I have gained along the way. However, along this four year journey I have always had a certain dream in which to have my own livestock on our family farm. 

Last summer that dream had started to become reality when I had purchased my own small flock of Lleyn ewe lambs in order for me to start lambing again on the farm in 2019 after selling off all the previous breeding ewes in 2015 due to the grandparents ill health.

I've recently taken the next step and purchased more yearling ewes this year, along with a ram to add to my already small flock in the hope that it grows into something bigger, and fingers crossed, better. 

However, there's a but, and a very big but. I'm scared. I'm scared of failing, of not knowing what I'm doing or if I'm doing it right. This, paired with this exhausted feeling I'm experiencing at the same time has made me feel a lack of enthusiasm for doing anything that excites me which really isn't helping. I simply do not care about anything and it's starting to really annoy me. I've had chaos coming from all angles over the last several weeks and I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say and I just have this constant hazy feeling floating around in my head and it just makes me feel completely numb! I can feel myself getting easily annoyed at others or unresponsive because I'm so exhausted and it recently took a sudden melt down in a car park at night, when I couldn't find a parking space to realise something wasn't right (stupid right?).

The small amount of experience I have gained within farming, along with the small amount of knowledge my brother had, almost felt like a comfort blanket. However, I get the awful feeling that I am starting to be criticised again and given negative statements like I used to recieve before I left the country initially, giving me the sense that people think I don't know what I am doing. I almost feel that from these negative comments and blunt statements, that certain individuals feel that because I am trying to improve on what I have, that they are jealous of what I can gain and potentially achieve from my dreams. But then I question if I am just being silly? Just because my brother has left, doesn't mean life can't carry on as normal right?

The places I have worked and visited, I have been lucky enough to encounter on my own. Therefore, unless I have put the odd post up on my social media pages, these negative individuals haven't necessarily seen or understood the work I have done and knowledge I have gained. I like to think that these experiences should have proven that I'm not afraid to learn, and enabled me to gain the confidence to move forward with my individual plans.

Part of me feels as though I need a mentor, some guidance, some support or as the title of this blog says, just a helping hand to provide me with a gentle reminder of when I should and shouldn't be doing certain jobs. Someone who can provide enthusiasm to a younger person trying to enter into an already difficult industry. Now some people reading this may query that I surely have this knowledge at home already with certain people, but my response would be that I wouldn't be writing this post if I didn't feel I needed the help would I? Therefore if anyone reading this knows of any useful apps, articles or tools that may be able to guide me I would be very grateful of any advice given.

I suppose what I am delaying is actually putting on my big girl pants and just getting on with the job. Giving myself that little talking to and just getting on with it. I just hate the fact I'm back hating the negativity of this world that dragged me down initially before I started travelling, the negativity that when someone is trying to grow as an individual and achieve their dreams, that people would rather attack with unfavourable comments rather than positive, supportive ones. For me, this constant negativity sends me on a downward spiral to a chaotic space that I just can't control. 

I know what I need to do to get out of this mind set, however it's proving very difficult to do so at the moment. Most evenings I take the dogs for a walk around the fields of home farm. It's where I get to experience some quiet time, a time to let my brain breath, where I can simply be on my own and just enjoy the empty space. It may sound crazy, especially as we are living in a very hectic, fast paced world, but, I love silence. I just love sitting, walking and thinking in complete utter silence, but it's proving harder and harder to obtain. Most of the time silence and quiet spaces give me back the required focus in my life and taking in the smells and sounds of what's around me, it usually puts me in a happier place even if it's only for a short while. I always get this much needed space when I'm up in the mountains of either Mid or North Wales and definitely when I'm in Scotland, therefore maybe a trip to the mountains is all I need.

I doubt it though.

H xx