If you truly believe........

I've spent the past two months or so looking back through the journey I have taken with this blog since starting it. It's scary to think that on the 5th August 2018, it will be four years to the day that I left for New Zealand, and four and a half years since I was diagnosed with suffering from depression after having a mental breakdown.

I still remember that awful day when I was stood in my kitchen, feet firmly on the floor, body so stiff that I couldn't move, having an uncontrollable emotional breakdown. Looking back it scares the absolute shit out of me to the point I hope I never see a day like that ever again.

My seven months spent working abroad in 2014 and 2015 on a New Zealand dairy farm are years I will never forget, and 2018 has since become another.

After my diagnosis at the start of 2014, I set myself a challenge which you can read in my post 'It's time to leave, it's time for a change'. I wanted to find a new inner confidence and to prove the negative people in my life at the time wrong. I wanted to learn new skills as well as travel new countries and meet new people and since returning from that trip I have continued to learn and broaden my knowledge on an industry and lifestyle I am so enthusiastic about.

2018 has seen me be awarded the 'Third year, student of the year' award for my agricultural course, an award which I also received in my second year of study. Never in my lifetime or along this journey did I think these would be sentences associated to my name when I signed up to carry out the course three years ago, let alone be successful in winning the student of the year award twice.

2018 has also seen me graduate from my Foundation Degree in Agriculture course with a Distinction!  Now for a girl who used to be told for many many years that women couldn't farm, if I say so myself, I think that's a pretty good achievement..... a flipping amazing one in fact!!! So in the words of Einstein

'I am thankful to all those who said no, because of you I did it myself'.

Obviously there are a lot of people I need to thank who have helped me along the way. Family and close friends have been a huge support, and if they didn't have the answers, they would help find someone who did. The lecturers at the college have also been a great support, treating us students more like a family rather than numbers on the books. But above all of these, there is a small group of people who without them, this three year educational journey would not have been the huge barrel of laughs and enjoyment it has been. They have been the best group of classmates I could have wished for to sit alongside and stress over what we were required to do in order to pass. Even though I was ten years older than most of them on the course, they really made me feel that my age was just a number, and with the right attitude we all believed we could do it. They definitely helped me achieve my goal, and I hope in some small way I was able to help them.

I have met and made a lot of new friends since my breakdown, and a lot of them don't necessarily know my story. I felt quite embarrassed after returning home from New Zealand to tell these new friends what I had been through, however, in the past few months I have gained a new confidence to start talking about it in a more positive way, hoping that it may help others who feel the same as what I did all those years ago. There are moments when I still feel like I am being judged about my story and what I have been through by others however, I still get surprised by the amount of people who privately contact me asking for my advice and any tips that may help them build on their own self confidence and self care in order to peruse their dreams and ambitions, or even the people who just feel they can talk to me as they know I will understand what they are going through. I've learnt it's important not to judge yourself even though you may feel you are being judged by others.

I genuinely feel like this has been the happiest I have felt in a very long time. I have gained so much knowledge since I started on this new journey four years ago, and I'm excited to continue learning in any way I possibly can. 

As mentioned in my blog post 'Laughter, music and moo moos' I set myself challenges which I wanted to try my very hardest to overcome, and confidently I can say

I've been, I've done, and I've achieved.

I have gained so much confidence over these past four years that I never thought I would gain. I feel I have the confidence to give things a go and not worry if I look like a fool or not. I have the strength to face my fears and the determination to continue to chase the dreams I have in my life. I said it back in 2015 and I continue to look at it from time to time when I need a little pick me up or a short talking to when I'm feeling down

'Life unfolds in the present, so dare to dream, try new activities, explore new countries, always ask questions, make mistakes and learn from them, laugh everyday and remember if it doesn't make you happy, change it. Don't get caught up doing the same thing day in day out. You were born a unique individual for a reason. Go and create an amazing story.'

There have been times when I have felt I wouldn't reach these dreams, however, I kept believing in myself that it would all be worth it in the end, and oh my god don't I just feel so good right now that the hard work has all paid off and I am now able to move on to the next stage of my life to see what countries it takes me to and what knowledge I can learn moving forward. I have already started to put plans in place which I am excited about already.

So, for those of you who have a little doubt in yourselves, hold your head up, keep smiling and simply smash it, because it will all be worth it in the end. Self care isn't selfish. Believe me!! 

H x