In need of a new bucket....

Scotland....well what can I say other than what an amazing time I had working up there again this year. There was a great team of people working there, some of which I haven't worked with before. We all had our own individual skills and knowledge to be able to share and help each other out, and hopefully I will have the pleasure of working with them again in the future.

Being able to work in the gorgeous Scottish mountains and beautiful surroundings gave me the all important therapy I explained about in my previous post, and it put me in such a good place both mentally and physically that I never wanted it to end. There was laughter and jokes, along with the serious work of course and it was simply amazing!!

On a less happy note however, my first week back in reality didn't go as well, infact it got so bad I ended up not having just one, but two emotional breakdowns..... I broke! 

Over the last year I've been pretty good at handling my depressive emotions, and have been aware when depressive signs and symptoms have raised their ugly heads, so when I have felt negative thoughts and scenarios appearing, instead of panicking and letting the negativity take hold, I have dealt with them straight away to make sure they get resolved as quickly as possible before the black hole of depressive darkness comes back and takes over my mind and body. However, unfortunately I let the fear and awful depression symptoms take over, causing me to have an emotional breakdown. It wasn't a great experience as I'm sure you can imagine, but it made me realise that the emotions and thoughts I had been feeling since being back home, and the previous months before I left, were really taking their toll, and some serious decisions now realistically, need to be made.

Over the past few months I've been asked two questions by a variety of people on several occasions. The first question is quite an easy one for me to answer.

Are you still doing your sewing business or any sewing work at all? The short answer to this question is no, the reason why however, may not be as easy for people to understand.

Let me start by explaining that I am very thankful for the thirteen years of seamstress based jobs I have experienced. It is a skill and talent that I will never regret learning, and hopefully one I will never forget, and most probably one I'll use again in the future. However at present it is simply something I am not able to face doing.

When I started out learning the basic seamstress skills at the age of fifteen, I simply classed the sewing work I did as a hobbie, but that soon turned into a career and towards the end of the thirteen years that career turned into something I no longer enjoyed doing. It was my way of making a living which meant that in my spare time, the last thing I would want to do as a hobbie was to sew. Combining those unhappy occasions with the unknown realisation that I was also suffering with depression, made me feel as though I was trapped with no where to go in life, there was nowhere for my skills to develop further. So therefore, the reason I have stayed away from going back to being a seamstress after returning from New Zealand, is simply because it reminds me of the bad times in my life, and I'm not strong enough yet to be able to simply enjoy sewing again. If the simplest of faults appeared in garments that I had made, even the incidents which may have not been my fault at all, but those of other manufacturing accessories, which were out of my control, I would take it so personally and feel so bad, even though deep down, I knew it would have nothing to do with my sewing ability. Over the thirteen years, I have had people take advantage, people not appreciate the time and skills required to make garments, and quite simply customers who have been down right rude, that I am not confident enough to go back to that industry just yet. The initial joy I had from sewing has simply been lost due to bad experiences.

The second question I have been asked is slightly harder for me to answer as I'm not quite sure myself what the answer is.

What do you plan to do next? Where next?

I have been extremely lucky over the past two years, and I can't quite believe it's only been two years, that I have been able to tick off a lot of things I wanted to do on my bucket list. They are experiences and memories I will never forget. But the big question of 'What Next' seems to be proving hard to answer and it appears I'm in need of a new bucket list.

The one thing I am currently really enjoying in life is my choice to become a student again with the aim of hopefully gaining a Foundation Degree in Agriculture. In my first year back as a student I have come to find out through the colleges routine tests, what type of learner and learning technique I prefer to be taught via. It's been an interesting experience and in some ways confirmed what I already knew.

I'm described as a kinaesthetic learner which means I prefer to learn via being practically shown and doing and experimenting myself. I struggle to learn by having to read a lot of text or listen to someone do a presentation without any images or visual explanations.

I've always been a practical person, hence the previous career choices I have made, so it's no wonder I'm getting really stressed out when I'm stuck indoors behind a desk or with nothing practical to do.

Anyway back to the question of what next? Over the years there have been a few things which have crossed my mind but never really struck me enough to actually do anything about it. So I'm starting to question myself about whether now is the time to start doing some of them.

My first option is to start buying my own livestock, to be able to apply the knowledge and skills I have learnt from others over the years into my own livestock enterprise. I don't feel I am 100% confident to be able to do this solely on my own as I feel I would need the experience and knowledge of someone else or others to help guide me through the journey, however it has always been an option I have kept thinking back to. The question is however, do I choose a certain breed and go down the pedigree route, which is an area I have very little knowledge about, which could involve me showing the stock at selected agricultural shows during the summer months, or do I go with the commercial option and just raise stock to the best standard I possibly can with the knowledge I already have?

Showing livestock is something I have never experienced before but I'm aware that there is a lot of preparation work involved before the actual showing aspect takes place. However I thoroughly enjoy watching livestock classes at agricultural shows during the summer, and admiring the time and patience breeders have put in to the animals they have decided to show. It portrays a real passion for the industry they work in.

Another option which has crossed my mind is to continue travelling and working abroad. Trying somewhere new, a country I've never experienced before. Part of me feels it doesn't even need to be outside of the UK, there are plenty of opportunities available in England, Scotland, Wales or Ireland which could take my fancy, I'm just unsure what I would like to experience next.

Spending time working on a harvest, driving machinery has always been something I have thought about doing, however it's mainly seen as a mans role, which in some ways I agree with, however it is a job which I've always been curious about to find out more and experience. Maybe this is an option I need to think more about.

My final option is one which would be a big decision to make, and that is to return to the country which I feel has made me the woman I am today. New Zealand definitely has a piece of my heart and it is a country I think about quite often. It brings back happy memories of the start of my journey to overcome depression, but also to experience living alone and making my own decisions without anyone else's influences. It's most definitely a country I will return to in the future, but I question whether going back out there for longer than six months will be as good as my initial experience. I have gained a lot of friends in NZ and even met family I never knew existed, but a big move like that would mean a whole new life, and I have to keep asking myself am I ready for such a big decision like that yet?

All I know at present is that I am not 100% happy in what I am doing and that there is still a part of me that is itching to explore more and experience new things, therefore some time is needed to be spent on me and figuring out what I should add to my new bucket list because at this moment in time I'm going nowhere and I need to keep moving forward to be able to achieve.

Until next time.......Hx