The feeling of disconnect........

One of the biggest things that inspires me about continuing my journey of wanting to peruse a career in agriculture is reading stories, and following individuals on social media pages, who similar to myself, have a strong connection and excitement of wanting to be involved in the farming industry, whether it is here in the UK or anywhere else in the world. They would probably all agree that there is an uncontrollable amount of enthusiasm bubbling deep inside our hearts.

A certain individual that I recently came across in a farming press article, Sophie Barnes (a.k.a. @Sheepishsophie) is luckily spending two years travelling and working in Canada and New Zealand, learning and experiencing the different farming systems. To give you a brief bit of information about her, she is a city girl who fell in love with farming a number of years ago, and embarked on a journey to find out as much information as she could about different farming systems with regard to sheep. I've started following her on Twitter and read her blog from time to time to see how her journey is progressing.......if you get a chance, take a look, it's an inspiring read.

Anyway, I've currently been experiencing a very low phase with regard to my depression, in fact I have to admit, it's not a very good place to be at all. The past couple of months I've had to go about witnessing certain life scenarios which aren't very pleasant. They are the type of scenarios I have never dreamt of being involved in, let alone actually wanting to experience them in real life......and experiencing them the hard way is what I have had to do. Unfortunately these situations have not been good for my health, to the point where I feel as though I have lost my way and am almost trapped due to panic as to what I can do to stop it. It's not my responsibility to stop it, I just know for the sake of my health I can't be involved in scenarios like that anymore.

Life can throw you some real nasty shit on times, and it makes you realise that there really are some horrible people in the world. I've nearly, but thankfully not fully, returned back into the person I was before I left for New Zealand. I'm unable to get to sleep at night, spending endless late hours with my brain playing games on me, yet I also dread getting out of bed in the morning, afraid of what horrible situation or activity is going to be thrown at me next. I've lost a lot of weight, which part of me finds annoying as I was quite happy with the size I was. I don't have much of an appetite, and I've seemed to have been ill on and off for quite a few months now. I dread having to go certain places and encounter false conversations and questions about my life at present, to the point whereby it's easier to pretend and say everything is OK rather than being continuously questioned as to why things are so bad. Putting on a smile and politely saying yes is one of the biggest and easiest lies ever told.

I noticed the negativity as soon as I returned from NZ, and on many an occasion I have mentioned it in my previous blog posts. However, even though I knew the negativity was lingering there, I have foolishly allowed it to over power the positive attitude I came home with. I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to allow negative scenarios or negative people get to me, but it appears I'm loosing the battle.........and to say I'm disappointed in myself is an understatement.

I've questioned myself on a few occasions as to why I let it get this bad? Where was my inner fight that I came home from NZ and Scotland with? Where is my drive to prove people wrong? Where is the positive, happy, enthusiastic woman disappeared to? The answer, I have not got a flipping clue and it sucks!!

Whilst reading one of Barnes blog posts a number of weeks back, I came across a question she had been asked by one of her followers on Twitter that they would like her to post about. The question stuck in my head, and from time to time over the following weeks I began trying to answer the question myself. So what was this question you may ask?

"How about the feeling of disconnect when you're not farming? How do you define/re define or perceive your new identity?"

The first part of the question really made me think about the different type of person I feel I become when I am outdoors working in the fresh air with animals, or when I've been feeding up livestock in the sheds over these past winter months. I can only describe working in these conditions as it sets my soul on fire. The excitement, enthusiasm, love and drive to get jobs done is how I describe that bubbling feeling deep in my heart that I mentioned at the start. Some of you may think that that is crazy, but as soon as I put on my working clothes, I almost feel as though I transform into a different person. Just thinking about it while I write this post, instantly puts a smile on my face and my heart starts beating faster.......I sometimes think it's crazy myself. Its instant and exciting.

I then started to think about how I feel when I'm not in these farming situations. What type of person do I become then? Quite simply, I feel like a lost soul. Like a part of me has been taken away and thrown or destroyed without any care or feeling. Thankfully I have never physically lost a limb to understand the true feeling of a part of me actually gone, however I can only describe what I feel as something within me being completely lost, an empty sensation that I get when I'm not working in a farming environment. I experienced this same sensation when the last calf left the calf rearing shed in NZ. I remember feeling completely lost, numb even, to the point I had no idea how I was going to cope without having them in my life. I honestly feel to this day that they were the start of my healing process to try and overcome the awful depressive state I was in at that time. I cared for them, and they, in return, looked after me.

The second part of the question, I found a little harder to answer. How did I perceive this new identity I have, since I've returned home and started my new job and life choices? Am I aware that I feel like a different person since taking myself away from the physical farming lifestyle I had been living in for a whole year, 24/7? Yes of course I realise there is a difference, and in a funny way I needed to experience these differences to have a better understanding of where it is I would prefer to be in the future and what environment I need to be in to remain happy. When I left NZ I was told never to stop laughing and smiling like I had been whilst working out there. Just like the disappointment I feel for my depressive state coming back, I'm disappointed in myself for letting others down by not carrying out this simple task. I'm having to encounter a lot of personal battles and to answer the question on a whole about how I perceive my new identity....well I simply don't feel comfortable with it. I'm lost and I'm struggling and the feeling of disconnect is definitely obvious.

The agricultural college course I have been doing since the start of November is going really well and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Even though I may be quite a few years older than my fellow students, I am learning so much and I am extremely proud of myself for taking the plunge and making the final decision to do it, a decision which had taken me years to make. The only downfall is the fact I'm unable to put in to practice the things I learn on a weekly basis. However the next few months throw me some exciting times. I'm back lambing in west Wales and Scotland, and to say that I am slightly excited would be a huge understatement..........I cannot wait!!!

There's a quote I feel describes my whole feeling and emotions with regard to this topic, and the situations and scenarios I've encountered over the past 18months. 

"We lose ourselves in the things we love, we find ourselves there too"

Knowing which type of love I prefer to be lost in gives me a head start in chasing my dream. I just need to find that inner courage and strength again.

H x