Stuck at a cross road

It's been over two months since I arrived back in the UK, and the majority of that time has been spent working away from home doing lambing work; two weeks in west Wales and then five weeks in Scotland, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed even though it was physically tough.

Scotland was amazing, and from the small amount of the country I had seen on my journey up, I soon realised it would be a beautiful place to work, and it truely was. The farm set up was very different to what I was used to, and the scale of the livestock I was working with was a figure I never thought would be possible for me to do, but it was a new challenge and I was excited to get working and learning some new skills.  I enjoyed many aspects of the work, and experienced many highs and lows. There would be days whereby I was absolutely exhausted but I had to keep going, the sheep weren't going to stop lambing just because I needed a rest. However there were two main things which stuck out for me as my favourite parts of my experience there. The first was going to mother up (check the right lambs are with the right mums). Circling the fields to check the livestock and to see the healthy lambs running around made all the exhaustion worth while. To be sat on the quad bike, checking the stock in the surrounding gorgeous landscape was absolutely breathtaking. I could have sat up on top of the mountains for hours, but unfortunately work needed to be done. The second favourite was working with the sheepdogs. Don't get me wrong, I have worked slightly with sheepdogs back home but nothing like the ones I got to work with in Scotland. They were truely amazing animals to work with. To give them simple commands and they knew exactly what you expected them to do was simply amazing.

Whilst away in Scotland I came to realise it had been well over a year since I had been diagnosed with depression, and looking back I was amazed as to how much I had been able to achieve in that year; the fears I had faced and the challenges and goals I had encountered.

Within a few days of arriving home, I began to think about what my next adventure would involve. Would I travel somewhere new? Should I try working in another area of the agricultural industry? Or should I stay at home and try and focus on my fashion business?

A lot of these questions had been going through my mind a week before I was due to come home. I have thoroughly loved working in the farming industries that I have been lucky enough to work in the past nine months, and living out of a suitcase, with only a limited amount of clothes to choose from, has been a lot easier than I expected. However, it has also been made aware to me on numerous occasions that my fashion brand is still popular, with people enquiring about what shows I shall be attending this year, if any.

But, I'm stuck. Stuck at a cross roads and unsure which direction to turn. I've been living the life the past nine months whereby I haven't worried about the future, and what lies ahead. I haven't made any plans about where I want my life to lead, I've simply just gone with the flow. I've done the things I had waited so long to do. But now I'm stuck.

I really have no idea where I should turn next. I'm torn between two passions that I really enjoy. Farming, working with livestock and being out in the fresh air really doesn't feel like work to me. My passion for farming and it's rural communities is huge and when there is plenty of work to be done, it gets me out of bed in the morning with ease. There have been times where I have pushed my body to it's limits but have carried on to get jobs done because the feeling of achievement is amazing,especially when I have been doing jobs I never thought possible for me to do.

The seamstress work brings out my creative side and love of making well made, classically styled garments for people who have an appreciation for what they buy. But it's not something I can see myself doing again for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, however I still enjoy doing it. I still get the urge to want to sit behind a sewing machine for a couple of hours a day, or sketch down a new design idea I have.

So I've come to a stop; a stand still; faced with a road sign with blank arrows on it pointing different directions but no idea as to which direction leads where and if I'm truely honest, this feeling sucks!

The only thing I do know is that I am in a much happier place compared to where I was a year ago. I have gained a lot more confidence in myself and what I can achieve. I'm smiling and laughing a lot more and try my best not to let things bring me down.

H x