It's time to leave....it's time for a change.

This has been a tough post for me to write and it's been a while since I last wrote something on here, so may I start by saying sorry. When I started this blog I had the vision that I would be posting a minimum of one post a month explaining my life living, working and socialising in rural Wales, but unfortunately that hasn't been the case, however as the tittle of this blog post explains, it's time for a change.

Unfortunately the dairy man (DM) and I are no longer together, for reasons I am not prepared to publicise; what goes on behind closed doors should remain private.

The DM taught me a lot about life, with the most important being what personal values are important in life, and to have a passion that you truely enjoy.

Sadly back at the start of the year (2014) after seeking medical help, I was diagnosed with suffering from depression, and from attending one to one counselling sessions and reading suggested self help books it appeared I had been suffering for a very long time, unknown to me or others around me. I knew something wasn't right, but i just couldn't work out what it was.

Depression is a difficult condition to explain, as each individual's scenario is different. It's awful to admit it but I used to be one of those people who wouldn't believe that people could be depressed, and would be one of the first to say 'get a grip'. However from talking about my thoughts and symptoms that trigger my depression, I am now able to understand how easily people can fall into the trap of depression without realising it.

Negative thoughts would always overpower the positive, and the continuous doubt that I was never going to be good enough or feel wanted or needed by others would wizz around my head. I would lack in confidence to ask to have a go at things, which I really wanted to try and make up reasons as to why I wouldn't or couldn't possibly do it. There would be instances where I would finally get the courage to try things, to then be turned down by the individuals who were doing it, which would then make me feel as though they actually thought I wasn't good enough. And so the vicious circle would continue. I started to shut myself away from friends and stopped socialising with others as I felt I wasn't good enough of fun enough to be around which would lead to me feeling alone and not having anyone to talk to. Depression makes you feel trapped, makes you lack in self confidence to go out and try new things, makes you feel as though your not good enough to have the luxuries and experiences you see your friends and others experience. You feel as though the life you are living is the only life your allowed so you have to just deal with it. People would tell me to have a go at activities, but the fear of failing or making a fool out of myself would take over my thoughts and so the negative cycle would begin.

The majority of my life has been spent doing things for friends and family and never putting my self first, things which make them feel happy and making decisions which they feel are best for me. Don't get me wrong I have always respected the way I have been brought up and love the friends and family that I have, I've just felt as though I am doing the things that make them happy and not necessarily myself.

I have always been someone who runs away from situations they can't handle, however with the help and support I have received the past few months I now look at it as taking some time out from my present lifestyle. On the 5th August I leave the UK to embark on a new adventure. As you all have read in some previous posts, farming has been a big part of my life. I have grown up living, breathing and socialising in the farming community, however it was an industry I was unable to go into as a student due to personal reasons. Despite being unable to enter the industry as a career, the family farms and the local rural community have always been places I have fallen back into when something has gone wrong in my life. They have always been the places I have felt most comfortable, and enjoyed spending time working and associating myself with. 

There have been three very inspiring men in my life, all of which have helped me make the decision to leave in their own personal ways. As you all have read previously, my grandfather was a huge inspiration to me. He was someone who would encourage me to go and chase my dreams, to go and tackle all the things I wanted to do in life. He had confidence I could succeed and knew my strong passion for the farming industry.

Even though the DM and I aren't together any more, he was still someone who has inspired me and made me fall totally head over heels in love with an industry I had only a small amount of knowledge of before, the dairy farming industry. He was someone who was passionate about his career and he showed me, taught me, and allowed me to work in a career which I am now totally in love with.

Finally, my father. A man I didn't see much as I was growing up due to him working away from home the majority of the time delivering goods around the UK. A man who has worked extremely hard his entire life. Who has gained a huge amount of knowledge through his profession and who has taught both my brother and I that to succeed in life and achieve the things you want you have to work hard and enjoy it. All these men in their individual ways have inspired me to make a change.

If I was able to turn back time and live my life again differently then I know what I would prefer to have done, however that is not possible, so it's time to start again, it's time to make the changes and chase the dreams I have wanted for a long time. There are a number of people who will be wanting me to fail, and I'm not promising I will succeed. All I'm saying is that I'm going to give it a go and see where it takes me. Obviously I'm hoping it will be completely amazing and the best thing in the world, but I need to be realistic, it's going to be tough, and I'll probably cry a few tears and feel I am not good enough to do it, but it's a dream I have wanted to achieve for a very long time, and if I don't grab the opportunity now, I probably never will.

On the 5th August I leave for New Zealand to work on a dairy farm with 680 cows. Duties will include calving, calf rearing, milking and all the other jobs which are involved in the day to day running of the farm. This is something I have wanted to do from the age of 18. My aim is to find a new inner confidence and to prove people wrong. To learn new skills and enjoy the moments of living and experiencing a new country. There are a number of individuals who have doubted my ability to work in the farming industry and who have contributed to my negative thoughts and lack of confidence. Who have put me down and made me feel worthless. But I have found a new inner confidence to prove them wrong. 

I hope to keep to my word and carry on updating this blog with my travels and personal accomplishments for you all to see.

IT'S TIME TO LEAVE...........IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE.

Hx